Democratic Elections 101

by Harrold "Haole" A`hole

Perhaps we can all learn a lot from Sistani's elections. (Yes, Sistani's elections, not Bush's. Bush's plan for elections had very different form and schedules, but he was overruled by the Shiite leader.) After all, we in the U.S. need some help with our elections.

With the fiasco of newly found votes during the recounts for the Washington State governor's race, with the Florida presidential fiasco in 2000, and with overall low voter turnout historically, Americans can learn a lot from I-raq the Vote 2005.

There has been a lot of backslapping, congratulations, hugs and big smiles over the successful Iraqi elections, so they must be on to something we Americans can take home and use to improve our own elections next time around.

What made the Iraq election so successful? How can we make sure our free elections run as smoothly? How can we achieve 60 percent voter turnout? The lessons learned include:

• Close the borders
• Impose martial law, including curfews and shut down traffic throughout the country
• Have 150,000 foreign troops who recently invaded keep it safe and free
• Vote for parties instead of individuals
• Set up political parties around religious and ethnic lines since religious and ethnic clashes are rare (yes, Iraq was lucky to have Sunni parties, Shiite parties and Kurdish parties to represent the will of all the people)
• Do not disclose the names of the politicians who will take power when a party wins (after all, keeping them secret is necessary to keep them from being killed before the elections, though it's not clear how to keep them from being killed once in power)
• Have the previous ruling party boycott the election
• Have election dates set by a religious leader from a different country who cannot even vote himself (though Iran does have a long, free religious and democratic tradition to lean on)
• Allow non-citizens to vote from several other countries, preferably from those who invaded and now occupy your country
• Suffer only 20-30 deaths per day
• Run out of paper ballots in areas you don't like as much
• With tens of thousands recently killed, it's not fair to exclude the dead from voting, too
• Keep track of who voted by putting ink on their fingers instead of using a voter registration list
• Allow the foreign, occupying military to set up its headquarters in your national government headquarters
• Conviently ignore the fact that democracy doesn't require freedom, liberty, equality, justice or transparent governing; it just means if your rights haven't be violated and you are allowed to vote and there's not overwhelming voter fraud or lying politicians, you can vote for someone who will then assume a measure of power over you based on whatever form of government you have, be it communism, an Islamic state or even a tyranny; if the voter is poorly educated, easily manipulated by media-based political promises, economically oppressed, bigotted or afraid, the vote is unlikely to be meaningful

There supposedly is more than one way to skin a cat. And apparently there is more than one way to hold a successful, free, democratic election.